So yesterday we went to lunch with the morning show crew of my fav radio station, a couple of my girlfriends and I met them at Chili’s and they hooked it up, we could order anything we wanted, and we ate GOOD.  The DJ’s are all funny, and crazy and S**t talkers so yes as you can imagine I was right in my elementJ

I interviewed for a swing shift position that is a promotion for me and am awaiting their call on pins and needles it’s in a different unit but it’s way past time for me to move up so I am excited and anxious about the prospect.

 On another note A and I have been talking with the producers of the Dr. Phil show to possibly go on a new show that will be filmed at the Dr. Phil house sometime at the end of June, to decide if we are going to stay and work it out or if it’s time to go our separate ways.  I am not sure yet what I want to do, I am tired of the tension that exists between us and do not know if there is too much between us to even resolve it.  But at the same time is it better for the kids to have their dad in their day to day life??  I dunno but I am thinking deeply, and taking it day by day and we shall see…

Oh my gosh, I had such a good mommy’s day, I woke up to the sound of my eldest son’s voice Elias, he turned 15 on Saturday and called me early to wish me a Happy Mother’s day, we got caught up on all the latest and laughed and it just started my day off perfectly I told him he made my dayJ Then I put together the gift baskets I made for mine and A’s mom, complete with, bath stuff, homemade cookies & brownies, and books to curl up with.  I went and showered and slipped back in bed as all the above was done before 8am, and my little boys weren’t up yet.  They boys woke up and brought me their gifts, so precious, they were so happy to be showering their mama with gifts they made with their own little hands.  I oohed and ahhed and thanked them and made them feel good, and then we all got up and got ready.  We went to my mom’s and stayed for a very short while they wanted us to come back and we said we would but I didn’t think we would have time they were started the BBQ, then we went to my mother-in-law’s and they were also BBQ’ing we stayed there for around 3 hours, then went to my Comadre’s house so we could exchange gifts and she was also BBQ’ing, by this time it was already after 7pm, then I got another call from Oklahoma and it was precious daughter, my Angelina we talked for an hour my heart was full.  After I got off and visted a little more everyone was tired, we stood there until 10, did our thing, and left.   Soo fun, I had a great day and the only way it could have went better was to have some booty a la mode, but alas A and I are so not there, not that he hasn’t tried but I’m not trying to give him false hope. 

 I’m doing the decorations, & favors for my sister’s baby shower June 2^nd, and also am in charge of the decorations for my brother-in-law’s college graduation on the same day.  I am going to KICK IT on that day but it’s also going to be CRAZY BUSY for me, but if anyone can handle it and keep it organized and straight it’s me, so I am looking forward to it.  Good Times, Good Times…

Chapter 8

A couple of days after Mariah went home I went on a Women’s Retreat with a group of ladies that I had known since I was a young girl, they were all near and very dear to my heart and I had been attending this annual women’s’ retreat for a few years.  I loved it there, it was high up in the Santa Cruz mountains, and in the previous years I had stayed in the dormitory type rooms, that year we had reserved a cabin for 5 of us ladies, and had brought groceries and all the comforts of home with us, the air was crisp, the month was April, and there were tall forest trees and lush landscape and flowers all around us.  I went anticipating a move from God like I had never experienced before.  I was enrolled in the healing classes, and the classes to teach me how to better relate to the struggling women all around my inner city church, I needed to learn compassion and how to love these ladies as Jesus did.  I was ready for all He had to give, and my sisters in Christ had prepared their hearts as well.  Mariah’s mom drove up with me, she was my best friend, and we prayed and chatted the whole way up.  We were so excited and He did not disappoint.  The 3 days we spent there 11 years later are still fresh in my mind, we worshipped God with song and praise, and more than once I fell to my knees crying out to God for change in my marriage, and in my heart, I pleaded with the Lord to teach me to love Joel the way He did, and to make me into the woman He called me to be.  I wanted God’s best for my life and for my family.  I returned home with an attitude of Praise and a song in my heart.  That Sunday my friend and I put on a dramatization that moved the whole congregation and talked about what God had done in our hearts and had revealed to us while on the retreat.  It was an awesome and amazing time, I began to pray for a couple of the ladies within our congregation and while I was praying God would move my heart to say what was going on in their lives, details that I would not have known any other way had God not been working through me, I was closer to Him then ever before and felt full of hope and promise.  However the closer I pressed into the Lord the farther I felt my husband got. 

I remember one night about a week after the retreat being in my room and studying my Bible, and really crying out to the Lord for change, I remember crying, and saying to God, “Please God teach me to love Joel like you love Him,” “Change my marriage God, show me what I need to do to make marriage better, Lord you know my heart and I’m not happy, but I will do whatever it is that you would have me to do.”  I remember hearing the Holy Spirit say, well not say but I felt it loud and clear, “Go ask him what’s going on with him and Mariah,” and I remember saying “What, Lord?”  Again even more strongly “Go ask him what’s going on with him and Mariah.”  I whined back “Lord, I can’t ask him that, he’s gonna think I’m crazy.”  Again that small still voice clearly in my head and heart, “Go ask him what’s going on with him and Mariah.”  I obeyed.  I got off my bed, and went outside to where Joel was mowing the lawn, and yelled “Can you turn that off a minute?”  He must have seen the look on my tear stained face and turned off the motor.  I said quietly “ Joel, can we talk a minute?”  He shrugged his shoulders and I gestured for him to sit down.  I started, “Joel, I need to know what’s going on with you and Mariah.”  He looked up at me startled and said, “Who told you?” ‘What?” I cried even more startled, “Who told you?” he said as he put his head down and ran his hands through his hair.  “Who told me what?”  I cried even louder, scared now, my heart beating faster, my stomach starting to turn.  “Joel, what’s going on?” I think I was yelling at this point. “Lela, we’ve already talked about this, it was a mistake, she was all over me, you can’t say anything to her, and I promised her I wouldn’t say anything.”  But what about the promise you made to me, my heart cried, tears stinging my eyes, I turned from him then, I couldn’t let him see my pain, What? What? What? I fumbled with the door handle and with shaking hands finally got the door opened and ran to my room, my heart was thumping wildly in my chest and I couldn’t think.  Oh My God, Oh My God, Lord what happened???  Joel opened the door to my room and I was there sitting on the edge of the bed with tears just streaming down my face quietly, praying trying to make sense of what just happened, I don’t remember even talking, Joel falls on his knees next to me and try’s to take my hands, I remember pulling them back like he had shocked me and just stared into his face, “Why? Why Joel?” I said my voice barely above a whisper, I remember him talking a lot and fast I couldn’t hear him at first, I couldn’t think, I felt like all the air had been sucked out me. He was giving me the details, I didn’t want to know, I wanted to know everything, I heard bits and pieces, the first time it happened, the first time my mind screamed, it happened more than once??? He had been working in the garage and came in the middle of the night, she was sleeping on the couch, my children and myself were sleeping in our rooms down the hall, and my little sister and her daughter were also asleep down that same hall.  He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water and wash up and she walked in after him and began feeling on him, she was all over him he said, he tried to push her off, I stopped him then, I didn’t want to hear anymore and I really didn’t want to hear him lie, she was all over him, and he tried to push her off??  She was 16, he was 30, I don’t think it would have been that much of a struggle, it happened a couple more times on a couple of different occasions, same type scenario, she pursued him, he tried to shrug her off, they only kissed he said.  I couldn’t hear it, I told him to stop, I asked him to leave, give me space I couldn’t even breathe.  He left the room, and I heard him open the garage and the truck pull out, he’s picking up the kids from his parents I thought. I forgot that my sister was probably home by then.  It was dusk outside and I just sat there motionless staring out the window, I couldn’t even think, my heart was numb, I didn’t even realize that there were still tears streaming out of my eyes.  I must have lain down after that, I remember lying there on my bed curled into a ball, the room dark other than the lights from outside. 

My children were 5 and 3 years old at the time, Joel must have put them to bed, they usually ate dinner at Joel’s parents house before they came home for the day, my children were his parents only grandchildren and since Joel and I had lived there from almost the time of both their births they were very close to them and they spent lots of time with at their house, they even had their own rooms there. 

I must have fell asleep that way, because I awoke in the same little ball I was in before I drifted off, and felt Joel trying to hold me and scoot me close to him, my body went stiff and straight and I asked him to please not touch me, he ignored me and kept trying to pull me closer, I began to sob then, gut wrenching sobs, from deep within, I tried to say please leave me alone, but it wouldn’t come out I was crying to hard, I finally cried “Joel, how could you?”  “ I told him to get out of my bed, get out of my room, I told him I couldn’t even stand to look at him, I couldn’t get the images out of my head, I wanted to hurt him the way I hurt, I told him he disgusted me, to please go away.  He told me to calm down, we had to work through this, he wasn’t going anywhere, to be quiet, my sister or the kids would hear me.  “How dare you!”  I screamed, “You did this, you created this, how dare you tell ME how to behave!”  I was working myself into a frenzy, I didn’t want my kids or my sister to hear me I just wanted to get away from him, I couldn’t stand the thought of him and her, I didn’t to see him anymore, I just wanted to get away, he reached for me again, I ran then, I ran to the garage and hit the door opener, I was wearing what I slept in, shorts, t-shirt, no shoes, no bra, I didn’t even notice, my purse and keys were always kept in the car, I got in and began to back out, the clock in the car said 12:30 am, I was crying and there were tears blurring my vision, I pulled all the way out and seen Joel running out into the garage yelling “Lela, stop!”  “Where are you going?”  I didn’t know, I turned to put the car into drive, and with one last look back, I seen my baby come running out with his blanket, he was standing in the middle of the garage and he fell to his little knees, “Mommmmmyyyyyy!”  He cried.  I began to sob again, I didn’t stop.  I cried heart wrenching sobs the whole way to my moms house across town, I could barely see, I kept seeing Elias’ little face, mommmmmmy, I kept hearing him cry.  I knew he would be okay, Joel was there.  I got to my moms house and stood shivering on her porch, her door was open but the screen was locked she was awake watching a movie, she said, “Who is it?”  When I heard her voice and seen her concerned face, I broke down, I began to weep, and my body began to shake, “Oh Honey, what’s the matter?”  She said, she was used to me being the strong one, the responsible one, the one who took care of her and everyone else, and here I was at her doorstep in the middle of the night with shorts and t-shirt, no shoes on and sobbing at her door unable to even speak.  She brought me in and wrapped her blanket around me, she asked if the kids were okay, I nodded and as I tried to tell her about Elias running out and calling my name I began to break again, hiccupping and unable to catch a breath like little kids do, she held me then and let me cry, she held me until I was quiet again.  We sat like that for a long time, her stroking my hair and comforting me, she made me tea then, and as I drank the tea I began to tell her what happened, about me fasting and praying for my marriage and what the Holy Spirit had led me to ask, and about what Joel had revealed.  We talked until the sun came up, and she told me to go try and get some sleep that we would talk again later.  I think I fell asleep the second my head hit her pillow.  I awoke to Joel on his knees at the side of my mom’s bed, crying and pleading with me to forgive him; he had brought me pink roses, my favorite color. I was confused and was trying to remember where I was and trying to focus on him, my eyes were swollen almost shut, and then I remembered all at once the events of the day before, he said “Lela, I just wanted you to know I love you, and I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I brought you these and then gestured to the flowers, I have to go to work, but I need you to come home.”  He was crying, I just stared at him; I didn’t know what to say.  He tried to hug me then, I didn’t hug back, he kissed my cheek and said “I’ll call you later and see how you’re doing.”  I nodded and he walked down the stairs.  I laid back on the pillow again and just stared out the window, and heard my mom come up the stairs, she asked if everything was okay, I just nodded, she told me that he had called my cell phone several times and when no one answered he called her house.  She asked about the kids, and Joel told her they were fine, they didn’t know anything; Elias had just gotten scared when he heard the commotion in the house, and they were at his parent’s house.  He told her he wanted to come by and talk with me, she told him that she didn’t think I would be up to talking, that I had only been sleeping a couple of hours by then and that we had stood up the whole night talking and that I was really, really hurt and upset.  He told her he just wanted to see me and he promised that he wouldn’t stay long, it was Saturday and he was on his way to some job he was doing for someone.  She relayed all this to me and I just listened.  She asked if I wanted to sleep more and I told her that I didn’t think I could.  She told me to get up then that we would go out to breakfast, I didn’t feeling like eating but I didn’t feel like arguing either.  I took a long, hot shower and felt better after but didn’t have any clothes or shoes or a bra even, so I put my stuff back on and borrowed a pair of her shoes and we went shopping, I bought several new outfits complete with new panties and bras, changed in the dressing room and charged it all on his card.  I called my kids after lunch and reassured them, and talked to my father in law, I told them I was with grandma and was okay but I was helping her and she needed me to sleep over with her.  They were fine and happy and had plans that night with their Tia and all was well with them.  I called my Pastor & his wife that night and let him know that I was at my moms and had been there since the previous night, he wanted me to come to his house to stay since my mom wasn’t a Christian and was worried about the influences of my moms household and me being in a vulnerable state, I agreed and went to his house, I didn’t give them details, just that Joel & I were having issues and that there was a blow up, he didn’t press for details and I didn’t give any.  I think he knew that there was a lot more to the story but he let me have my space, the next morning he met with Joel and then us together and had gotten us into marriage counseling with a friend of his, we went to the meeting and I returned home, and things were very strained but I was willing to do what I had to, to get my marriage intact, I went through the motions but wasn’t feeling any of it, and was more and more resentful as the days went on, ever time I had to go to church again and see Mariah I wanted to murder her but kept it all inside, this went on for the next two weeks, with me keeping the smile on my face but dying inside and keeping all my emotions carefully hidden as I had done years before when I was going through being molested. 

Then one Friday two weeks later, as I was preparing to leave work, I go the call, that would forever change the course of my life. 

Accept me

I am I…

Do not change me,

Condemn me, nor put me down.

Accept me for what I am.

No. You need not agree with me

But accept me.

For I am Total in being

I have my faults, I have my guilts

For that is who I am

Perfect I will never be.

Allow me to be uninhibited.

Do not pressure into feeling

What I do not feel.

Accept me when I am flying high

As I have accepted you

When you were flying high.

Do not put me down…

Nor make me feel unhappy about me.

I am I…

And I like being what I am…

Me.

~Larry S. Chengges

Chapter 7

I called J as soon as I got to school, and told him the news, I was pregnant.  He said Okay that we would talk to my parents together and not to worry he would take care of everything.  I was scared, and anxious and couldn’t concentrate all day, I had an after school job where my mom worked and two of my girlfriends worked there as well, their dad dropped us off and my mom brought us home.  I confided to my girlfriends the results and just could not stay focused on work that night.  Finally on the way home I just blurted it out with my friends in the car, my mom stopped the car in the middle of the road like she was in shock and then pulled over briefly and just said OMG, you have to tell Ruben, (My Stepdad) I said okay quietly and that was it.  When we got home I went in, sat down and told him right away I just wanted it over with.  He comes over to me and says congratulations and gives me a hug.  I know that’s sounds weird but you have to understand that not only was I a really mature 17, I worked, went to school and was a good kid, and J was already 22, in his senior year at Sac State, and worked as not only a PE Coach but was also a Youth Pastor.  They knew he could and would take care of me. A couple of months passed and I started getting home schooled so I could keep up with my classes as I was so nauseous, and in my first 3 months lost 17 lbs, and I was only like 110 lbs. to start with.  J wanted to marry me but my mom insisted that wasn’t the right thing to do and I didn’t need to get married just ‘cause I was pregnant but I wanted to too, I wanted my baby to be raised with Christian values and to break the cycle of teen pregnancy, and premarital sex, I wanted my baby to have everything I didn’t, a mom and a dad, who were married and who worked hard and did the right thing.  My mom finally relented and let me move out to our own apartment, we lived together for like 3 months and during that time I got ready to give birth and attended Lamaze classes.  Angelina was born in August, 2 months early and had to stay in the hospital until her lungs matured, she was so precious, when they told me I had to leave without my baby, I sobbed all the way home it was so hard to leave without her!  I went back to the hospital for every other feeding, and at night pumped my breasts so that she could get strong enough to come home.  Finally in September, we got the call that she could come home, and everything was ready.  School had already started and it was my senior year so I arranged for my mom to care for her while I went to school and J was working two jobs back to back and life was busy but good.  Then our church started putting the pressure on both my parents and J and I saying that were living in sin, and that we couldn’t receive Our Blessing since we were not living in God’s will for us, so once again my mom relented a month before my 18th birthday and J and I were wed.  We had a church wedding and a small reception and went on living our life, I went on to cosmetology school and we moved in with J’s parents to save to buy a house, J’s mom taught me how to cook, and we lived there for the next 3 years, I got pregnant again at 19 and we had a son this time, Elias.  Life was good and J had a good job and I passed the State test and got a State job, and a few months later we bought our first house.  Life was very good for awhile, we had a 2 year old, sweet, funny, precious daughter an d a newborn son, we lives with Joel’s parents, my in laws spoke only Spanish and were the perfect example of what Godly parents should be, and while I was glad for us t o have more privacy and a place of our very own, I also knew I would miss the safe and easy feeling of living there with them.

My Father in law was retired and cared for both Angelina and Elias while Joel and I worked.  After we moved into our house that was only two blocks from my in laws, my FIL would walk there every morning so my kids didn’t have to wake up and go out into the cold.  They were wonder full parents and grandparents and I truly couldn’t have asked for better. 

Joel and I both worked full time, me for the CYA and Joel for the UC David Medical Center.  Joel was also the Youth Pastor, I was a Sunday School teacher, and we both were the Children’s church directors, for a brief time I was even the head of Women’s’ Ministry.  We preached and went street witnessing; attended revivals took in people to live in our home all the time, and were doing all that we felt God had called us to do.  We were very busy and never took any time for ourselves alone or together, I worked nights, Joel worked days, and as I grew up, I began to get lonely and felt like most days I was completely separate from him.  In church we took separate cars to get there so we could pick up people along the way and once we got there we even sat separately, I was on the Worship team and he was in the other room ministering to the kids.

We were never mean or rude but we weren’t romantic or affectionate either, and we always had someone living in our home, so when one of the teenagers from the Youth Group began spending a lot of time at our house and began sleeping over so we could minister to her because she was having a lot of problems at home, I didn’t expect it to be any different than any other time.    Yet the time she spent in my home changed all of our lives forever.